Forget. Again

Always the same
Forgot, forget, forgotten, forgetting
Unintentional or deliberate?
Out of hand or by choice?
New year's vows
Do we need an occasion to change?
Pain and death
Does it need to occur before realizing?
How do we remind ourselves?
That we need to be reminded
Of priorities
Of dangers
Of forgetting.

Still On the Road

Breaks coming to an end.

I've been on the road almost all around Malaysia. With family, friends, mostly alone.

The beauty of Malaysia's ambitious skyscrapers, carpet emerald forests, limestones, and still more roads give me the much needed solace I need. Much needed reflection I desired. Not in the city though, which I so long to escape.

I take off lika bird, spreading wings free. Sometimes nostalgia accompanied me, a lot of times thoughts and sleep. Yes, I sleep along the way. Dreaming of what lies ahead. Dreaming of what I shall become.

And I wondered. What dreams am I trying to achieve with my constant wanderings? Am I on the right track? Or have I derailed?

It was only later near the end of this break I discovered another road I've been walking on. The road to discover my inner self, what my purpose in this world is. It's not that I didn't know, just that I have forgotten, derailed.

I get and got lost along the way. Both roads. I make wrong stops. Bust a tire or two. And things never get easy at times. The road can be harsh when it wants to be. But worst is always when I get lost. And I forget, that when I'm lost, I should refer to a map. Or better yet, ask for directions. 'He' provides good directions. It's a matter of whether we ask for it or not.

Don't be foolish. We need Guidance.

So where's the end?

Death.

We live to die. And live again. Another road awaits us after death.

This life/world/dream we live in is just a means to an end. Our end here.

I don't think it goes on forever. There will be a permanent stop. And by the time we do reach the End, have our journey prepared us enough to face what lies thereafter?

I'm exiting, only to enter a new broad highway. Again this will be a journey of a lifetime. Though how much time I have in my life is unknown. Lifetime is a misnomer. It sounds so long. It's not.

I won't be arrogant.

I'll seek Guidance and Directions along the way.

Because I wanna reach the end gloriously. Or die trying.

On the Road

I take flight on the open road
Just like millions others
As if with purpose
With wings of steel, unopposed

The wind roars in my ears
Silencing noises I'm used to
As I scream of melodies
Of aging nostalgic memories

Rows of concrete rising high
Carpet green, never ending sky
Wandering others like me
Passed them by alongside memories

In his box of 31 thousand flavours bitter sweet
It's sometimes nice to view things from isolation
There's more room to think, to live
There's even more time to believe

Am I sure I fly with wings of steel?
Or am I just falling as my feathers peel?
Did I realize where lies my goal?
Or am I just a poor lost soul?

Please take me back!
To where I'm ought to be
Just anywhere, or everywhere
As long as I get there

Please give me everything!
of anything and nothing else
For this trip into the unknown
Which I travel alone

I am grateful
I have my feet and my tires
and a burning desire

I am hateful
For these sins that I carry
Til the day that I'm buried...

alive...

I'm alive...

Stil alive to make a difference
Set my second chances
Til my final breath said
Til my light burns dead

Please don't take us away
While we're off road, astray
Oh, Lord take our hands and guide us
Back on the Straight Road of Redemption

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Another Hallux Valgus at the Mosque

It was this morning after Subuh Prayers at the mosque I came upon this man (in his 50s?). He looked familiar rather... I looked at his feet and saw two hallux valgi bilateral. That kept me thinking, hey, could this be the same Pakcik Plastic Surgeon I met a while back?

So I greeted him with a salam and he replied.

"Excuse me, are you the doctor I met awhile back?"

"No, you mistook me for another person."

Hallux valgus memang common. I think if I threw a stone, it would hit one person in the mosque with hallux valgus. I have some minor degree of hallux valgus!

But then the pakcik was friendly enough and asked if I was still working. No, I just graduated. Where? UIA. You're doing law? No, medicine. Oh!

My daughter was in UIA. What course? Medicine. She's 5 years older doing her Masters in Ortho in UM. Her names, Rifa (?) Aqidah. Small world.

I think there are a few doctors in the mosque now, a neurosurgeon, a plastic surgeon and the famous gynecologist Dr Hamid.

Doctors (consultants) under one roof. A fraternity of surgeons under one roof. Hopefully a pediatric surgeon soon.

I couldn't help thinking Masyallah. Pakcik's name's Subehan (apologies if I spelled wrongly). Then we went our separate ways.

Lesson: Don't identify a person by his feet. Look up.


-----------------------------------

IMAM Symposium 2010

I am honoured to be able to participate in this year's IMAM meet. The presence of many prominent figures, IMAM's president, Prof. Dr. Abd Rasheed, Prof. Dr. Hafeez (from PAkistan coming here despite having his mother undergoing surgery at the same time), Prof. Dr. Zabidi, Prof. Dr. Moktar, Prof. Dr. Mohammed Hatta, Prof. Dr. Wan Hazmy and at the end Dato. Prof. Dr. Mohd Tahir. Alot of the HTAA consultants and UIA lecturers were also present including Prof Dr. Mohammed Fauzi, Dr. Fadzil, Dr. Sapari, Dato Zahari, and many more including HOs who are now MOs when I last met them in 3rd year and a Dr coming all the way from Sri Lanka just for the talk and a lot of medical students.

The participation of many prominent figures (I hava feeling I don't know many more tadi that attended) certainly made this event not to be looked down upon. It is a gathering of Muslim doctors in an attempt to discuss/share/promote whatever they have to present to elevate the Muslim physician in order to strive for excellence.

I am sure each has their own obligations at the hospital or wherever but these individuals have demonstrated great charisma and capability to still participate in 'extra-curricular' activities other than their compulsory work.

All these work are a part of their investment for the hereafter. After all, is not sadaqah jariah and knowledge that is used even after death are 2 of the stocks after death where pahala still cashes in?

During my, so far, 2 days of attending some of the talks, most that I went to promoted the importance of activism after undergraduate years. And the speakers have indeed convinced me that it is not only beneficial but must be done in order to better serve the Ummah. The talks had made me rethink my priorities and my objective in this life and the one after. Will working alone, rearing family be enough while I can do much more?

There are just too many things to share and I am quite tired, but one quote I would like to share coming from Prof. Dr. Hafeez:

On no man will Allah place a burden more than he can bear.

"Allah knows your limits but that does not necessary mean that you must not try find out your potential."

It is my hope that I and my friends will strive not only at work later but also do the extra things in order to excel in this life and the hereafter.

Wallahualam.

Be as though you're a wayfarer

Hadith 40 (Nawawi)

On the authority of Abdullah bin Omar, who said: The messenger of Allah took me by the shoulder and said: "Be in the world as though you were a stranger or a wayfarer."

The son of Omar used to say: "At evening do not expect [to live till] morning, and at morning do not expect [to live till] evening. Take from your health for your illness and from your life for your death."

related by Bukhari

My own comments:

When I first read this, I was kind of confused with what the statement meant (I read the Indonesian version first; Jadilah Orang Asing [???]). I mean why become a foreigner? But this ones straight forward. This world's a transit. A terminal at the airport. You in someone else crib. And you're a stranger. This place doesn't belong to you. You should therefore respect the place. And since it's temporary and this place is unknown (you're a stranger remember?), so plan ahead to survive. Plan ahead for the next destination. It could mean some point ahead in time. As well as your final one. You never know how long you'll be here. Make every second count. Because there's no going back.

My Idols in Medicine

American Idol and all that junk is just bullshit. Not one person in any of the shows I can make an idol of. Mebe Simon for bein loose with his tongue.

List of Drs I've encountered or heard of that I wish to emulate. No names will be mentioned tho you may be able to guess a few:

• Handsome, macho, cool, kind, keeps his team together, encourage open discussions, does what he does because he likes doing it (Peds Surgeon)
• Straight forward. Disciplined. "Wrong." (Colorectal Surgeon)
  
• Encourages doctors to be courteous at all times (Vascular Surgeon)
• Encourages to think and put yourself in a patient's shoes. "What if the patient is your mother? your sister? [man?]" (Upper GI Surgeon/Hepatobiliary Surgeon)
• Invites students to sit and discuss cases (Peds Surgeon)
• Stays kiddy and silly while being professional at the same time (Pediatrician)
• Good handwriting and documentation (O&G)
• Passion to teach, finds students to teach even tho it should be the other way round (O&G, fertility)
  
• Professional and courteous, never forcing a patient against his will (IM, chest team)
• Strive to be the best and attach to students with passion to teach while finding time to watch Anime and TV series (Ortho, Hand Surgeon)
• Encourage students to perform research (Ortho, Arthroplastic Surgeon)
• Encourage Islamic conducts, ethics, and revival of Islamic scholarship and publication (Anesthesiologist)
• Cool, calm, macho (ENT)
• Encourage self confidence, and strive to be the best, as well as perform research (2 opthalmologist)
• Goes back to the community and sacrifice time to help them (Family Medicine)
• Skillful, patient first attitude, couldn't give a damn about hospital policy (Cardiosurgeon, Team Medical Dragon, Peds Surgeon, Saijou No Meii [The Best Skilled Surgeon])
• Other countless Islamic physicians of old and other non-Muslims who dedicated their life for the pursuit of knowledge not only in medicine but in other areas of ilm without knowing the meaning of 'holiday'
  

Some quotes that stuck with me:

• Attitude, attitude, attitude, knowledge
• "Regardless of where you are (be posted) it is you who will make the difference for yourself."
• "Practice - Waking up early."
• "Cover your ass"
• "I have research, commitment to the community, a family, teaching you all. What do you have? And still you sleep."
• "Wrong."
• "Hey! Who do you think you are making me look like a stupid fool! You have to have ethics!"
• "When you see yourself look good, you look good."

I'm sure there's more but these are some I could think of now.

Other stuff:

I just read a bit about Imam Syafie. Despite memorizing the Al-Muwatta kitab, he still traveled and lived with Imam Malik, the writer of the book. By living with his teacher, not only did he learn direct from his but also indirectly by observing his habits and emulating them.

Lessons:

- Don't be arrogant even if you have all the knowledge in the world. because there are still things you don't know and need someone to teach.
- Have an idol and emulate the good things you see in him. Don't be too content with who you are right now.
- When you want something, especially knowledge, you need to sacrifice some of the things in life. Imam Syafie travelled from Mecca to Madinah to find and live with Imam Malik (mind you dulu takde kereta or bus) and he was from Ghazza, Palestine.

-------------------------------------

Plans, To What Ends?

Even before the Pro exam, all I did was plan and plan. Whether they are on paper or just stored in my mind (not very reliable in that case), that's what I did. When I planned, I felt somewhat in control. I at least felt I had a direction to follow.

I had purpose.

Or at least I thought I did.

• How far did I plan?
• How much of my plans have I executed?
• How much have I achieved?
• Were the outcomes worth it?
• Were my plans even worth the effort?
• Are they really important?

I wondered about that today. I couldn't recall the exact events that led me to this thought. Perhaps it was when I went to register for my Hajj. Now I remember. It was when I went to my grandmother's grave did I reflect that I was not prepared for life after death. I did not plan for it. Of course nobody could plan when they would die, but we should all prepare for the eventuality.

It hit me that most of my plans were sort of materialistic, although some important, but I noticed my plans were almost devoid of the development of my spiritual needs. Lacking any real preparations for the Hereafter. After all isn't this world just a transition to the next? A temporary terminal at the airport before the final eternal destination that awaits? Then why bog myself down with things that are insignificant, unimportant?

Again another self reminder of what needs to be done... Perhaps my plan this time should include the ultimate final outcome of my second life which what really matters in the end.

PLAN ---> EXECUTE ---> RESULTS ---> REVIEW ---> REPEAT



--------------------------

After 5 Years of Med School: Final Professional Exam

I'm having a sense of derealization
(definition: a feeling of unreality of one's surrounding environment. A symptom of panic attack in any panic disorders)

However I'm not anxious or having any panic attacks. Not anymore anyway (not the same can be said for the last few days tho).

I can hardly register that my 5 years of medical education is coming to an end. That the dreaded final professional exams has passed. And that I will be leaving for work, and with it a new life in a few weeks time.

It's been one hell ofa ride. This is my attempt at making a postmortem of my recent Professional Exam which supposedly evaluates your knowledge, understanding, experience, throughout 5 years of medicine.

First the bad: My final exam in medical school sucked big time.

Being the final exam, I was hoping that I could perform my best, you know like going out with a bang, making it my best exam performance whether it led to a distinction or not. But my finals were far from it.

It only took the revision period to reveal how little I knew of medicine. And disappointment sets in. Before that I was enveloped in a grandiosity that I could overcome anything that came to me during exams. Pretty unrealistic.

Exam day came. I started my first PMP with anxiety. Could not sleep the night before and made a mistake that I do not wish to disclose here but suffice to say, I had a heavy head that morning and couldn't think right. Tho I doubt if it would change my answers right. PMP from the first to the last (esp the O&G one which was supposed to be doggone easy turned to disaster when I calculated a wrong POA my several weeks as I thought we were now in the month of July!) was wrought with careless mistakes. In short PMP was a disaster.

OSCE wasnt as bad but wasnt as good either, again full of careless mistakes.

And with that my opportunity to 'score' my Pro. Part of me wished I would just failed the whole thing just so I could repeat the 6 months and have another go at it.

I was a wreck that day tho fortunately that didnt last long. I still had hope for MCQ anyways the week after. I always thought my MCQs were the best among my theory papers. But I sorely underestimated the Qs. Wasnt a smooth ride either. It didnt help that I didnt sleep the whole night and bcame manic from 4 am onwards, sleeping for 30 minutes at 7am before heading off for exams. I nodded of at the 50+ Q. Seriously I heard voices (hypnogogic hallucinations)and almost responded to them in the middle of exams!

Then to top it all of: clinical exams, the mother of all final exams, the one that really determines whether you pass or not.

My anxiety fluctuated while waiting for my time to come. Ironically though, When my time came for both long case or short case, not a trace of nervousness was present. I was clumsy here and there but never anxious. The presence of 4 consultants did not deter me. And all questions that I was unable to answer, I could not therefore blame on being nervous. It was simply, I didnt know enough. However this is not to say I didnt screwup my clinicals. I missed dx my long case with Graves Ds, missed a clonus on one side, and funbled a bit on the ovarian mass. Nevermind that there was a whole lot of Qs thrown that I was not able to answer.

At that moment nothing was certain. I could go either way whether a pass or a fail. I had to wait for the next day, to see if I made it or not... Ironically I didnt feel disappointed with myself post clinical exams despite the numerous blunders I have committed. I was too tired too feel disappointed I guess.

So any good points?

Some

Had a nice night swim under the stars the night after the horrible PMP and OSCE.
Bought a book after OSCE and finished it right before clinical exams.
Had fun swimming at Cherating before the final results announcement.

And now being officially a doctor. Yeah, I made it. Somehow.

Despite the many screwups, it only thought me to be more humble with myself and made me realize that theres a damn lot of stuff I didnt know. I just hope and pray that this will then keep me further motivated to be a good houseman later during work..

Medical School is coming to an end. Im sure that this phase of life will be sorely missed, especially when work starts. But life goes on.

The ending of med school only marks the beginning of a new phase of life.

Reach Out!

~YoU Can'T bE tOo CareFuL AnyMoRe
wHeN aLL thAt is wAiTinG foR YoU
WoN't cOmE aNY cLoSEr
YoU've GoT to
REACH OUT!
a little
MORE!
MORE!

pics from:
www.paramore.net

...

Who Am I Again?

I'm a Muslim

But have I really embraced

ISLAM?



......

You Can Do It!

All The Best!

"Have faith in everything you do! My Prayers =) "

Always a second chance...

Sometimes (actly alot of times), you screw-up something, you hesitate, and your window close. There are even times when you KNOW what your about to do will cause regrets later on. But humans being lustful creatures hava hard time suppressing whatever beastly drive they have inside themselves despite knowing that what their about to do is only detrimental to themselves..

And during these times, you just need God to intervene.

And alot of times He does. Example: making you late to catch that train, your Internet disconnecting on you, you car breaks down, you're called to do something else, someone crahes in on you that you just hadto stop watever evil deeds ur about to do.

When these things happens, you need to be grateful for these events and take that opporunity to gather your mind and look back at that folly you're about to commit.

Biggest folly if you waste that second chance... And by then, nobody to blame but .

Fuh.

I hope nobody reads this one. Better come up with another post to bury this one.

Tribute to Dr. Rafidah and Dr. Nora

I didn't really do justice with the farewell speech last Friday.

It was too impromptu (like I would've prepared given more time :p ).

Here's a better script:

Assalamualaikum wrt,

I am indeed very much honoured to be given the opportunity to give a farewell speech to both Asst. Prof. Dr. Rafidah Hanim Mokhtar and Asst. Prof. Dr. Nora Mat Zin who have both been very dear teachers throughout my medical school. Both have contributed a lot to my own personal developement in this school as I am sure have they been for others as well.

Some of the personal contributions Dr Rafidah made for me:
- Physiology teacher, especially in renal physiology (still a blur to me :p), as well as the cerebellar function.
- Mentor during my 1st year.
- Advisor for the Ummatic Week in my first year (I was holding the director position).
- Trainer and organizer for the Physiology quiz I and my colleagues participated that brought us to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah.
- And being a good advisor and counsellor for the extra-curricular marriage course.

And Dr Nora:
- Helped us to go all the way to Singapore for the AUDC debate championship (well, Kak Mi yang bawak the matriculation group but that was when I knew Dr. Nora, or rather when she KNEW [psychiatrically] me).
- Been my personal psychiatrist and advisor (although I still haven't gotten my meds :p )
- All the psychiatric lectures (sexual disorders the most interesting, as well as childhood psychiatric disorders).
- Bringing us to court to watch her proceeding with a case.

As a presentative to not only my batch, the 9th batch of IIUM Medical graduates, but also representing my junior batches as well, I would like to congratulate and bid farewell to both doctors for their outstanding contributions to students and the IIUM medical faculty. IIUM is very much honoured to have such wonderful individuals to help nuture future doctors and contribute towards the vision and mission of the university as well as to the rise of the Ummah. It is unfortunate indeed that both are unable to continue their contributions here in IIUM.

I would like to thank both doctors and hope that they shall pray for our success as we shall surely pray for theirs in whatever they pursuit, which is no doubt for the beneficience of the Ummah. May Allah bless all their efforts and their family. Though, far they may be, I am very confident that both doctors will not forget us and will gladly lend a hand when their counsel is sought in the future.

Thank you.

Ok, mebe not better but hope that'll do.

Wsalam.

My History of Public Speaking

Ima shy guy. Betul!

Almost social phobic. Yeah Ive talked abit in front of people sometimes tho it was never easy and still not. Here're events which sorta changed my life. I owe to all the people mentioned and alot more not mentioned for making me who I am today. Allah bless them all.

Chronology of public speaking events (whichever I remembered and had special meaning to me):

1998- 2002 (Secondary school):
History presentation with En Sirajuddin (Disciplinary cum history teacher who pinch butts and spears in between whenever students were naughty), gave me encouragement after I stutter, stammer, laughed without being able to get a word out of my mouth everytime I presented. "Molek ar tu, mu present". The next teacher, an Indian history teacher (she slaps people man tho shes actly kind. Tough discipline) screamed to me when same thing happened,"Oy! Nak present present ar betul-betul!" That particular event stuck with me til today. I was partially cured from my social phobia.

Not really a public speaking event but more of a culture night during a KRS event in school. I directed a play and acted as well. Dont really remember what it was about but it was certainly funny and people liked it. I remembered becoming a weather man and rolled on stage after being blown by a hurricane and holding up a placard "untuk tontonan umum, hanya untuk tontonan masyarakat" and acting all silly. Most of all I remembered winning best group acting. People enjoyed it. Thanks to this kakak which I really tak igt name (tho I remembered people hated her cuz shes sooo sqema but I am indebted to her).

2003-2004 (IIUM Matriculation):
My personal renaissance? List of events that changed my life in Matric:

Becoming an MC for a LEADTRAIN function.
I guess that was my first public speaking event which later lead me to become MC for several other events (tho never really improved :p ). But that little moment behind the podium shot me to some sort of popularity in Matric. That's what some people say anyway.

Joining the Debate Club
I remembered this one very well. I was on the way to the chess club AGM. Amirul ajak gi debate AGM. "Cmon, ar Harta, ramai awek cun." I saw one and was convinced. Debate has been my training ground tho I was never good at debating (or arguing pon) but it did in some way help build my confidence. Muawwiz and Farhan also spurred and built my confidence in alotta ways.. Since then participated in some events and became a trainee adjudicator at an AUDC competition where I met 'you'....

My first debate
I don't really remember what happen tappi akku rase Amir kut was responsible for recruting me to become a speaker (2nd speaker) for the medic team. I sorta remember the motion was Space exploration is a waste of resources. I remembered Aliah (was in Sciencess during that time) was my opponent. Giler aggresive die tu! Ive never debated before and had crowds cheering ape2 je nonsense that came out of my mouth. To bad Aliah, I didnt take ur POI. But you went on to win second place anyway.

Organizing public speaking competition during RAFEST
To start the ball rolling to get people to participated, I talked nonsense on stage in the people ofa crowd (yang hopefully sibuk shopping to notice). Kenape ar aku buat benda2 yg tahape2. At the same time me and Jus responsible for the MEDCY stall.

Directing Interkulliyah Dean's Cup debating competition.
Being the boss puts me in position to talk in front of people yet again. I remember the drama I incited when announcing the results for those qualifying for the finals. PoYo gak ar I admit. I dont remeber giving a speech at the finals tho... But I DO remembered me meeting someone and having a brief brief 'affair'.

2004-2009 (IIUM Kulliyah of Medicine)

I remembered paticipating in a public speaking event for a compulsory curriculum event. Tho that was a bad memory. I remembered talking nonsense again and Aliah winning first prize. But she was really good. Everyone was, Abdul Rahman, Atiyah, and that Nursing student dude.

Besides that presented in alotta seminars and presentations at classroom level.

Eventually I learned to suck it up and ask questions in class without much shame. First in classes. Then later in bigger conferences and symposiums. This is a very big step for me to be braver and more confident tho everytime before I go up to the mike, I have those nervous palpitations and anxiousness but what the hell.

Latest achievement was when I volunteered with Atiyah to present an Islamic input class. It was well recieved Dr Samsul was impressed. Owed alotta people for that.


Now....

The Triple-I committees have asked me to become a moderator for one of their forums. Ive never done this before but somehow Id like to try take this challenge. Bile lagi? Ill be graduating soon. When all these activities Ive done in the past will be just memories. Or catalysts that had prepared me for more things to come (research presentations in an international forum? parlimentary debates? or just simple daawah?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alhamdulillah these events have help build who I am today, one who is braver and more confident than before. However despite all this I doubt that Ima influencial speaker nor do I admit that I have overcome stage fright totally. But I ahve certainly improved but only with practice..

I guess in my future line of work, public speeches are necessary. Im gald I had the opportunity to have all these experience to help build myself. Theres still so many things I need to work on. Me being a moderator will hopefully with the grace of Allah be yet another experience that will help catapult me into excellence.