After 5 Years of Med School: Final Professional Exam

I'm having a sense of derealization
(definition: a feeling of unreality of one's surrounding environment. A symptom of panic attack in any panic disorders)

However I'm not anxious or having any panic attacks. Not anymore anyway (not the same can be said for the last few days tho).

I can hardly register that my 5 years of medical education is coming to an end. That the dreaded final professional exams has passed. And that I will be leaving for work, and with it a new life in a few weeks time.

It's been one hell ofa ride. This is my attempt at making a postmortem of my recent Professional Exam which supposedly evaluates your knowledge, understanding, experience, throughout 5 years of medicine.

First the bad: My final exam in medical school sucked big time.

Being the final exam, I was hoping that I could perform my best, you know like going out with a bang, making it my best exam performance whether it led to a distinction or not. But my finals were far from it.

It only took the revision period to reveal how little I knew of medicine. And disappointment sets in. Before that I was enveloped in a grandiosity that I could overcome anything that came to me during exams. Pretty unrealistic.

Exam day came. I started my first PMP with anxiety. Could not sleep the night before and made a mistake that I do not wish to disclose here but suffice to say, I had a heavy head that morning and couldn't think right. Tho I doubt if it would change my answers right. PMP from the first to the last (esp the O&G one which was supposed to be doggone easy turned to disaster when I calculated a wrong POA my several weeks as I thought we were now in the month of July!) was wrought with careless mistakes. In short PMP was a disaster.

OSCE wasnt as bad but wasnt as good either, again full of careless mistakes.

And with that my opportunity to 'score' my Pro. Part of me wished I would just failed the whole thing just so I could repeat the 6 months and have another go at it.

I was a wreck that day tho fortunately that didnt last long. I still had hope for MCQ anyways the week after. I always thought my MCQs were the best among my theory papers. But I sorely underestimated the Qs. Wasnt a smooth ride either. It didnt help that I didnt sleep the whole night and bcame manic from 4 am onwards, sleeping for 30 minutes at 7am before heading off for exams. I nodded of at the 50+ Q. Seriously I heard voices (hypnogogic hallucinations)and almost responded to them in the middle of exams!

Then to top it all of: clinical exams, the mother of all final exams, the one that really determines whether you pass or not.

My anxiety fluctuated while waiting for my time to come. Ironically though, When my time came for both long case or short case, not a trace of nervousness was present. I was clumsy here and there but never anxious. The presence of 4 consultants did not deter me. And all questions that I was unable to answer, I could not therefore blame on being nervous. It was simply, I didnt know enough. However this is not to say I didnt screwup my clinicals. I missed dx my long case with Graves Ds, missed a clonus on one side, and funbled a bit on the ovarian mass. Nevermind that there was a whole lot of Qs thrown that I was not able to answer.

At that moment nothing was certain. I could go either way whether a pass or a fail. I had to wait for the next day, to see if I made it or not... Ironically I didnt feel disappointed with myself post clinical exams despite the numerous blunders I have committed. I was too tired too feel disappointed I guess.

So any good points?

Some

Had a nice night swim under the stars the night after the horrible PMP and OSCE.
Bought a book after OSCE and finished it right before clinical exams.
Had fun swimming at Cherating before the final results announcement.

And now being officially a doctor. Yeah, I made it. Somehow.

Despite the many screwups, it only thought me to be more humble with myself and made me realize that theres a damn lot of stuff I didnt know. I just hope and pray that this will then keep me further motivated to be a good houseman later during work..

Medical School is coming to an end. Im sure that this phase of life will be sorely missed, especially when work starts. But life goes on.

The ending of med school only marks the beginning of a new phase of life.