The Search for Peace.

(Wow! My last post was ages ago. Worry not fans! Zaim's back. Actly I've been updating my bird blog more :p)

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I know where it is, yet I'm still not going there.

It it me or is it the human race, doomed not to follow what is so obvious?

Backtrack.

My day messes up. I don't feel like doing anything. I need a break.
Answer: Baskin Robbin World Class Chocolate.

I'm tired from my work. Need to get away from all this.
Answer: The beach or anywhere with a nice sunset.

I feel lost with my life... Need to clear my head.
Answer: Drive around town (and get lost further)


This is all too familiar for me. Exaggerations? Perhaps with some. Many unquoted examples as my tired brain cells (I just got back from Manukan as I write this) is just too lazy to think of better more realistic examples (x penat pulak coret blog).

Yes, I have been 'getting away from it all' with various means. Now that I am working means that I have more money to 'get away from it all' with style (almost, I still can't afford that trip to New Zealand).

I won't kid myself. I do all this to look for that inner peace.

Who the fuck am I kidding?

I know this is not the way to inner peace.

No matter where you go, what you do, as long as you fail to recognize that inner peace may only be achieved once you believe and take heart that your life is NOT in your hands and you have absolute faith that whatever you do is NOT up to you to mold the outcome, you will never achieve inner peace.

I believe that slice of calm comes when you know that true peace comes after life, after you have built your whole current existence to work towards that end.

Then perhaps... No. I am confident that all the despair, the agony, the pain, will dissipate once you give your life for the best for the end.


Here, have a slice of Sunset. May we all be able to welcome this big orange ball again and again..



Hope we all find that peace we so desperately need. Amin.

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Its been awhile

Wow its been awhile since I blogged.

I hav this sense of deja vu. Like wat iv been doing before this is unreal. Now is reality.

I guess ill be blogging again. Usually during long toilet breaks. Its called the thinking seat anyway (shrug)

Thisll keep me sane.

Its been awhile

Wow its been awhile since I blogged.

I hav this sense of deja vu. Like wat iv been doing before this is unreal. Now is reality.

I guess ill be blogging again. Usually during long toilet breaks. Its called the thinking seat anyway (shrug)

Thisll keep me sane.

Still On the Road

Breaks coming to an end.

I've been on the road almost all around Malaysia. With family, friends, mostly alone.

The beauty of Malaysia's ambitious skyscrapers, carpet emerald forests, limestones, and still more roads give me the much needed solace I need. Much needed reflection I desired. Not in the city though, which I so long to escape.

I take off lika bird, spreading wings free. Sometimes nostalgia accompanied me, a lot of times thoughts and sleep. Yes, I sleep along the way. Dreaming of what lies ahead. Dreaming of what I shall become.

And I wondered. What dreams am I trying to achieve with my constant wanderings? Am I on the right track? Or have I derailed?

It was only later near the end of this break I discovered another road I've been walking on. The road to discover my inner self, what my purpose in this world is. It's not that I didn't know, just that I have forgotten, derailed.

I get and got lost along the way. Both roads. I make wrong stops. Bust a tire or two. And things never get easy at times. The road can be harsh when it wants to be. But worst is always when I get lost. And I forget, that when I'm lost, I should refer to a map. Or better yet, ask for directions. 'He' provides good directions. It's a matter of whether we ask for it or not.

Don't be foolish. We need Guidance.

So where's the end?

Death.

We live to die. And live again. Another road awaits us after death.

This life/world/dream we live in is just a means to an end. Our end here.

I don't think it goes on forever. There will be a permanent stop. And by the time we do reach the End, have our journey prepared us enough to face what lies thereafter?

I'm exiting, only to enter a new broad highway. Again this will be a journey of a lifetime. Though how much time I have in my life is unknown. Lifetime is a misnomer. It sounds so long. It's not.

I won't be arrogant.

I'll seek Guidance and Directions along the way.

Because I wanna reach the end gloriously. Or die trying.

Grouches of the Day

1. RM 5 for a chop and signature

Got my surat Akuan Sumpah signed. For RM 5! Seriously they charge RM 5 for signing a few things and chop the paper in about 3 seconds. That's F****** extortion! I remember when my car got banged I ended up payin almost RM 60 - 80 to the police for documents and whatever. And I was the guy who got banged! Now I pity the other guy, as he had to fork out RM 300 in addition. No wonder people rather settler things without the police mediation cuz these guys are SHARKS!
2. Getting lost and tolls

Ok, not being able to find my way and going thru all the tolls maybe my bad, but my GOD there's just sooooo many freaking tolls. And that's within the Klang Valley! WTF!!

3. Toilets
Guys! If you can't piss straight then sit! Makes me wonder if your pants are clean or you just don't giva damn. I'd very much like to shop off these dicks. Then WTF is up with the toilet design where you twist the knob and a fountain comes spraying your ass?! It's not ergonomic at all! How the hell are you supposed to clean the anterior part of the perineum that way? And how I know the pipes been dump with shit?

On the Road

I take flight on the open road
Just like millions others
As if with purpose
With wings of steel, unopposed

The wind roars in my ears
Silencing noises I'm used to
As I scream of melodies
Of aging nostalgic memories

Rows of concrete rising high
Carpet green, never ending sky
Wandering others like me
Passed them by alongside memories

In his box of 31 thousand flavours bitter sweet
It's sometimes nice to view things from isolation
There's more room to think, to live
There's even more time to believe

Am I sure I fly with wings of steel?
Or am I just falling as my feathers peel?
Did I realize where lies my goal?
Or am I just a poor lost soul?

Please take me back!
To where I'm ought to be
Just anywhere, or everywhere
As long as I get there

Please give me everything!
of anything and nothing else
For this trip into the unknown
Which I travel alone

I am grateful
I have my feet and my tires
and a burning desire

I am hateful
For these sins that I carry
Til the day that I'm buried...

alive...

I'm alive...

Stil alive to make a difference
Set my second chances
Til my final breath said
Til my light burns dead

Please don't take us away
While we're off road, astray
Oh, Lord take our hands and guide us
Back on the Straight Road of Redemption

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Another Hallux Valgus at the Mosque

It was this morning after Subuh Prayers at the mosque I came upon this man (in his 50s?). He looked familiar rather... I looked at his feet and saw two hallux valgi bilateral. That kept me thinking, hey, could this be the same Pakcik Plastic Surgeon I met a while back?

So I greeted him with a salam and he replied.

"Excuse me, are you the doctor I met awhile back?"

"No, you mistook me for another person."

Hallux valgus memang common. I think if I threw a stone, it would hit one person in the mosque with hallux valgus. I have some minor degree of hallux valgus!

But then the pakcik was friendly enough and asked if I was still working. No, I just graduated. Where? UIA. You're doing law? No, medicine. Oh!

My daughter was in UIA. What course? Medicine. She's 5 years older doing her Masters in Ortho in UM. Her names, Rifa (?) Aqidah. Small world.

I think there are a few doctors in the mosque now, a neurosurgeon, a plastic surgeon and the famous gynecologist Dr Hamid.

Doctors (consultants) under one roof. A fraternity of surgeons under one roof. Hopefully a pediatric surgeon soon.

I couldn't help thinking Masyallah. Pakcik's name's Subehan (apologies if I spelled wrongly). Then we went our separate ways.

Lesson: Don't identify a person by his feet. Look up.


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IMAM Symposium 2010

I am honoured to be able to participate in this year's IMAM meet. The presence of many prominent figures, IMAM's president, Prof. Dr. Abd Rasheed, Prof. Dr. Hafeez (from PAkistan coming here despite having his mother undergoing surgery at the same time), Prof. Dr. Zabidi, Prof. Dr. Moktar, Prof. Dr. Mohammed Hatta, Prof. Dr. Wan Hazmy and at the end Dato. Prof. Dr. Mohd Tahir. Alot of the HTAA consultants and UIA lecturers were also present including Prof Dr. Mohammed Fauzi, Dr. Fadzil, Dr. Sapari, Dato Zahari, and many more including HOs who are now MOs when I last met them in 3rd year and a Dr coming all the way from Sri Lanka just for the talk and a lot of medical students.

The participation of many prominent figures (I hava feeling I don't know many more tadi that attended) certainly made this event not to be looked down upon. It is a gathering of Muslim doctors in an attempt to discuss/share/promote whatever they have to present to elevate the Muslim physician in order to strive for excellence.

I am sure each has their own obligations at the hospital or wherever but these individuals have demonstrated great charisma and capability to still participate in 'extra-curricular' activities other than their compulsory work.

All these work are a part of their investment for the hereafter. After all, is not sadaqah jariah and knowledge that is used even after death are 2 of the stocks after death where pahala still cashes in?

During my, so far, 2 days of attending some of the talks, most that I went to promoted the importance of activism after undergraduate years. And the speakers have indeed convinced me that it is not only beneficial but must be done in order to better serve the Ummah. The talks had made me rethink my priorities and my objective in this life and the one after. Will working alone, rearing family be enough while I can do much more?

There are just too many things to share and I am quite tired, but one quote I would like to share coming from Prof. Dr. Hafeez:

On no man will Allah place a burden more than he can bear.

"Allah knows your limits but that does not necessary mean that you must not try find out your potential."

It is my hope that I and my friends will strive not only at work later but also do the extra things in order to excel in this life and the hereafter.

Wallahualam.

Abang Zul. Plight of the Society and Health Care.

I received a text message today from Dr Samsul this evening:

"Pesakit name Zulfikli tu sudah pun meninggal dunia ptg tadi."

We met Abang Zul the first time at KK Balok while we were undergoing our Family Medicine posting last year. He came for his regular diabetic check-up there. The last time I saw him and his mother was when he was admitted under nephrology in the medical ward I think earlier this year. He was undergoing dialysis.

The 32 year-old gentleman was diagnosed with diabetes since 11 years-old and had multiple complications related to diabetes including carbuncle, amputation, retinopathy, dyslipidemia, his latest complication being nephropathy and was under follow-up by multiple discipline including medicine, orthopedics, opthalmology, and dermatology. He was on insulin but his glucose level remained poorly controlled.

Ever since he was diagnosed his problems only progressed first taking his limbs, then his eyes, his kidney functions, then finally his life.
I'm not sure of the CoD but it might have been due to nephropathy as he was said to have uremic symptoms. A friend who was oncall in the A&E later told me that she met the patient who was brought in pulseless. Efforts to resuscitate him failed and he was then pronounced dead..

A lot of groups had come to visit him and write our home visit report including my own group.

He lived in Balok, Kuantan in a single storey-wooden kampung style house. His house was built next to a two-storey bungalow belonging to his uncle if I'm not mistaken. Next to it, his house looked like a shack. To get to his place you had to drive next to Muslim cemetery (which hada graffiti painted to its entrance wall saying "Jalan Rempit"). You can't see his house from the road. The first time we went we didn't really believe it was a house. The patient lived alone with his mother. His father had passed away a long time ago. His siblings mostly lived elsewhere raising their own families and working. The patient didn't have his own transportation and relied on his brother who came quite seldom to bring him for his checkups. His income mainly came in the form of contributions from his family members. His mother is unemployed and spent most of her time caring for his debilitated son.

He was a sporting chap. Not to say lively but humble and responded to us well despite having seen many students before us whom I'm sure had asked the same thing over and over. From the outside he didn't looked depressed. But when I asked him how he felt during one of our chats, he did indeed felt sad for his condition (which might be an understatement). I cannot imagine going through a debilitating illness at his age. He was as a friend rightly said, was a fighter surviving as long as he did.

A friend and I along with Dr Samsul and his wife went to visit the family just about an hour ago. I'm not sure if that'll be the last time I'll ever see the place.

I've been to funerals a few times and it was usually full. When we went there I only counted less than 20. It could be that news did not spread quick enough or relatives were living far away. Dr said that if it were a Dato' people would've flocked and ran to pay respect to him. But who was Abang Zul in this world?

We went inside to have a final look. He looked just the same as before. I felt immensely emotional at the time although we were nowhere related except through religion. After a few more minutes we said goodbye. I could only wonder how the mother felt. It might be for the best for her and her son? Only Allah knows.

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I think Ive written this something similar about Zul in an older blog post but I guessed I would like to re-highlight the plight of our community and health system.

Poverty is still a major issue in this country.
Education of health is poor.
Health delivery is also still poor.

The way I say it sounds like we live in a poor country. Unlike what we aim to achieve by 2020.

For En. Zul, the fact that he has suffered multiple complications from poorly controlled diabetes reflects the level of health care we have in this country. I am sure this is not an isolated case but just an example of numerous other similar cases of patients without the resources to care for their illness.

I only wish I had the statistics to back my claims but I think reading tabloids and newspaper, just strongly around the rural areas, working in the hospital and district clinic may reveal the reality of our country.

This is indeed pretty sad.

Im not writing this to blame anybody in particular but I think that the community and government is responsible in bringing ourselves out of this sorry state we're in. There will always be something we can contribute. Being an idealist, I believe that small things when done in large amount by a lot of people can make a mountain move. This can only happen when people are conscious of their surroundings and have the conscience to help make a difference.

I'm in a way grateful that my exposure during my medical training had helped a bit in opening my eyes and Im sure it will be opened wider still when I start working. Ive been talking a lot but have I initiated any real actions? I do hope that in the future when I've started working that I can make that difference though the road there will never be smooth and there will always be tribulations.

Meanwhile I can only pray and hope for the best for ALL of us.

Hallux valgus at the mosque

I just hadta write this one as soon as I got back.

Went to the mosque for Asar prayers. I was about to take ablution at the tap outside the mosque but offered to this pakcik instead to take his ablution first. That's when I noticed he hada bilateral hallux valgus, his second toe crossing above his first like when you cross your fingers whenever you lie, and the medial side of where the distal end of his metatarsal bone was grossly swollen although I did not notice any ulcerations or abrasions.

He was your average pakcik, thinning grey hair, wearing horizontal striped collared maroon - white T-shirt and brown pants. He walk this his feet like he was used to it.

I kept thinking, I need to get a picture of his feet! for my own collection.

And what luck! I stood next to him during prayers. That distrupted my concentration (habis tak khusyuk). Kept thinking how could I ask for his consent for me to snap a picture of his feet. This was the worse case I've seen so far, and I'm quite sure this degree of hallux valgus is not very common. I just needed a picture. And a reason to ask for it.

So I completed the prayer. Completed the after prayer doa, and walked with the pakcik. Braved myself to start a conversation.

"Assalamualaikum, pakcik."
"Waalaikumsalam."
"Saya perasan kaki pakcik tu. Pakcik ada pernah jumpe doctor nak tengok?"
"Ape? Jari kaki nih? Pakcik doktor."

Disbelief and dumbfounded. Huh???

"Pakcik doktor apa?"
"Pakcik doktor bedah"

Really thought he was pulling my leg.

"Where do you work at?"
"Kerja kat Jalan Hospital, I'm a senior consultant, plastic surgeon. I'm also with USM's plastic surgery masters program. I was retired but now reserviced."

In that instant, terus cold feet to ask for that consent. Gahahaha!

"Oh. Cause that's the worst case of hallux valgus I've seen."

Pakcik surprised.

"Are you a doctor?"
"No, I'm a medical student"
"Where?"
"Kuantan, with UIA"
"Oh, I've been having this for a long time and it has progressively worsen. Tapi tak sakit ke apa. If tak sakit toksoh kacau."

He walked to his Volvo, me to my Myvi and went our seperate ways.

Aku gelak je sorang2 dalam keta. Didn't even tried asking for the photos.

Macam-macam orang you can meet at the mosque.

(Order of the conversation was based on very poor memory despite the event occuring only a few minutes ago)

My History of Public Speaking

Ima shy guy. Betul!

Almost social phobic. Yeah Ive talked abit in front of people sometimes tho it was never easy and still not. Here're events which sorta changed my life. I owe to all the people mentioned and alot more not mentioned for making me who I am today. Allah bless them all.

Chronology of public speaking events (whichever I remembered and had special meaning to me):

1998- 2002 (Secondary school):
History presentation with En Sirajuddin (Disciplinary cum history teacher who pinch butts and spears in between whenever students were naughty), gave me encouragement after I stutter, stammer, laughed without being able to get a word out of my mouth everytime I presented. "Molek ar tu, mu present". The next teacher, an Indian history teacher (she slaps people man tho shes actly kind. Tough discipline) screamed to me when same thing happened,"Oy! Nak present present ar betul-betul!" That particular event stuck with me til today. I was partially cured from my social phobia.

Not really a public speaking event but more of a culture night during a KRS event in school. I directed a play and acted as well. Dont really remember what it was about but it was certainly funny and people liked it. I remembered becoming a weather man and rolled on stage after being blown by a hurricane and holding up a placard "untuk tontonan umum, hanya untuk tontonan masyarakat" and acting all silly. Most of all I remembered winning best group acting. People enjoyed it. Thanks to this kakak which I really tak igt name (tho I remembered people hated her cuz shes sooo sqema but I am indebted to her).

2003-2004 (IIUM Matriculation):
My personal renaissance? List of events that changed my life in Matric:

Becoming an MC for a LEADTRAIN function.
I guess that was my first public speaking event which later lead me to become MC for several other events (tho never really improved :p ). But that little moment behind the podium shot me to some sort of popularity in Matric. That's what some people say anyway.

Joining the Debate Club
I remembered this one very well. I was on the way to the chess club AGM. Amirul ajak gi debate AGM. "Cmon, ar Harta, ramai awek cun." I saw one and was convinced. Debate has been my training ground tho I was never good at debating (or arguing pon) but it did in some way help build my confidence. Muawwiz and Farhan also spurred and built my confidence in alotta ways.. Since then participated in some events and became a trainee adjudicator at an AUDC competition where I met 'you'....

My first debate
I don't really remember what happen tappi akku rase Amir kut was responsible for recruting me to become a speaker (2nd speaker) for the medic team. I sorta remember the motion was Space exploration is a waste of resources. I remembered Aliah (was in Sciencess during that time) was my opponent. Giler aggresive die tu! Ive never debated before and had crowds cheering ape2 je nonsense that came out of my mouth. To bad Aliah, I didnt take ur POI. But you went on to win second place anyway.

Organizing public speaking competition during RAFEST
To start the ball rolling to get people to participated, I talked nonsense on stage in the people ofa crowd (yang hopefully sibuk shopping to notice). Kenape ar aku buat benda2 yg tahape2. At the same time me and Jus responsible for the MEDCY stall.

Directing Interkulliyah Dean's Cup debating competition.
Being the boss puts me in position to talk in front of people yet again. I remember the drama I incited when announcing the results for those qualifying for the finals. PoYo gak ar I admit. I dont remeber giving a speech at the finals tho... But I DO remembered me meeting someone and having a brief brief 'affair'.

2004-2009 (IIUM Kulliyah of Medicine)

I remembered paticipating in a public speaking event for a compulsory curriculum event. Tho that was a bad memory. I remembered talking nonsense again and Aliah winning first prize. But she was really good. Everyone was, Abdul Rahman, Atiyah, and that Nursing student dude.

Besides that presented in alotta seminars and presentations at classroom level.

Eventually I learned to suck it up and ask questions in class without much shame. First in classes. Then later in bigger conferences and symposiums. This is a very big step for me to be braver and more confident tho everytime before I go up to the mike, I have those nervous palpitations and anxiousness but what the hell.

Latest achievement was when I volunteered with Atiyah to present an Islamic input class. It was well recieved Dr Samsul was impressed. Owed alotta people for that.


Now....

The Triple-I committees have asked me to become a moderator for one of their forums. Ive never done this before but somehow Id like to try take this challenge. Bile lagi? Ill be graduating soon. When all these activities Ive done in the past will be just memories. Or catalysts that had prepared me for more things to come (research presentations in an international forum? parlimentary debates? or just simple daawah?)

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Alhamdulillah these events have help build who I am today, one who is braver and more confident than before. However despite all this I doubt that Ima influencial speaker nor do I admit that I have overcome stage fright totally. But I ahve certainly improved but only with practice..

I guess in my future line of work, public speeches are necessary. Im gald I had the opportunity to have all these experience to help build myself. Theres still so many things I need to work on. Me being a moderator will hopefully with the grace of Allah be yet another experience that will help catapult me into excellence.